this may explain why my heart is hammering, spasming, fluttering, skipping, and stopping periodically, lately. i can feel it stop: i get dizzy; then it races to catch up. i’ve been moderately dizzy most of the time for about the last two weeks. a couple of times i’ve come close to throwing up, passing out, or both.
apparently it usually resolves itself within about two months. either way. so there’s not much point in going to the doctor. the suggested course of treatment is no treatment.
i’m perversely glad, insofar as i am capable of gladness, that there is still some winter left; i don’t think i’ll be able to tolerate socializing for at least a few weeks.
i’m as fragile as glass, and i despise it and myself. and i’m so tired. for someone who’s not even close to 40 yet, it’s amazing how much death i’ve had to deal with, and yet it never gets any easier; and my tough little pony-engine is tired, and i am tired.
You are on my mind and I’m sorry. I want to do something for you but I don’t know what. I don’t want to bother you but I’m here…with wine. Always.